OK, you can laugh. No matter how I look at it, I can’t see the funny side.

I’m angry, sad and excitedly happy with ones I love. Fair enough on that last one, but the other two are bloody hard to deal with. I’m sitting here now with a tear running down my cheek.

You know the hardest thing? Not knowing.

Maybe my body is just fooling and I missed this months period, due to stressing out about it all. Maybe. It’s happened before. Never to me, but to others. I’ve heard the stories. I’ve always been envious of those tales. I’m not one to celebrate the arrival of that week. I hate it. My legs ache, my belly cries out to me in pain, I just want to curl up in bed, with flannies on and hot water bottle heated and warming my lower abdomen. I absoutely positively hate it. I wouldn’t have minded missing one or two or half a bloody dozen back when I wasn’t having sex in order to get pregnant, let alone not having sex full stop.

So sure, maybe I’ve just missed a month.

Ok, so what do you call this? What do you call waking up at 3am and being so angry with your partner that you want to push him out of the bed? And not to just get rid of him; to actually push him out and have the plan already set in your head that you will say that you must have done it in your sleep.

Oh yeah, Tony’s already had a good laugh at that. He knows that it’s just my hormones. It’s not me.

But why. Why are my hormones acting up so? All those bloody tests were negative. That bloody doctor made me feel like an overexcited teenager turning up a week early to a Kiss concert.

I’m not a bloody overexcited teenager. I’m a fully-insane-and-losing-it-woman.

Things point to positive and try as I might, I’m too scared to hope that it’s true. What if I do hope, then I have a blood test and it turns out to say that I’m not? What then? I wait for another week to have another test?

No. I can’t do that to myself. I just can’t. I can’t hope until there is actual proof.

And try as I might, my hormones just don’t prove it to me.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 5th, 2004 at 10:00 pm and is filed under Rae. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.